


I'm Not Going Anywhere

by Solitae



Series: New Kirkwall (Modern AU) [4]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-29
Updated: 2013-05-29
Packaged: 2017-12-13 05:25:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/820511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solitae/pseuds/Solitae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is another bit from our Modern AU. It’s just a stream-of-consciousness ramble from Lils. Don’t worry if you don’t follow. Most of this stuff she needs to say to Kathil, however, she tends to just shut down and aithne had gone to bed. You know how noisy characters get. Have some Lils’ brain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Going Anywhere

You say “sometimes”? “Sometimes” you wish we could make Laica that kind of happy? It must be nice to think it sometimes. I think it all the time. 

Do you think it doesn’t _hurt_ to know that I can _never_ be what Laica needs? To know that I’m too broken, too fucked up, too much a part of the camp and all that means for me to make her feel safe and wanted and all the things that she deserves. She thinks it’s too much, but it’s not. It’s fucking reasonable, and I want to give her everything. I want to her to have the sort of life she’s always wanted with pretty dresses and a nice house and no fear that someone will take her or the people she loves away. 

But it’s always there with me. We look at each other, and we know that Basha’s not there even if no one else besides Kit feels the gap. We wonder if maybe we could have kept her safe, if we could have done things differently. All the things I learned not to say in the camps get stuck in my throat, and I know she needs to hear them, to hear that I love her, that I think she’s strong and talented and my best friend. That I wouldn’t know what to do without her. Those things will kill you in the camps. Or kill her. Anything good, anything worthwhile, they tried to take and use it to create our reality. And I can’t tell her that when I don’t know what else is real, that I know she is.

I would have died without her at least a dozen times over. The Panic, the whispers, the flat out run away from Lothering, the camps. She was with me through it, and she’s stronger than anyone can imagine, but all I can tell her is that I have her back. And hope that it’s enough, enough to make her hear all the things I can’t say. I’m not sure it is.

And I don’t want to keep her there, fighting to survive. I want her to be happy. I want her to be deliriously happy and her face to light up and take that shadow from her eyes. I can’t do that, and maybe …just maybe she has chances for that with other people. With Sebastian, with Cullen. I see how she shines with them, and while it brings a little sting, I am so happy that someone can be what she needs, what she deserves, and I hope they understand just how much that means. To her. To me.

_I’m not going anywhere. And neither is she._

I hold on to this. If there is one thing that’s real, it’s this. The only commitment I make to anyone.

_I’m not going anywhere. And neither is she._

Sometimes I don’t hear the things I say to Kathil. The little wounds. The careless disregard. All the little things that say “I have other priorities”. And Kathil, for her part, takes them as part of loving me. But I heard it this time. It’d be one thing if that was about her, but it isn’t, and she knows it. We’ve been together for almost two years now, and the most commitment she gets from me are the photoshoots I schedule. Or dinner. 

_None of us are going anywhere_ , Kathil tells me. What am I supposed to say? Does she expect me to turn it around and say I won’t leave her either? Does she really expect me to believe that? That I’m not too broken and too fucked up and too difficult that someday she won’t decide to cut her losses? Or that the world won’t go crazy again? It’s coming, you know. One day all this shit will come crashing down again, and I can’t make any promises about what will happen when it does. 


End file.
